2026-05-10 05:38:25
This Mother’s Day I would like to share a personal thank you to mothers, grandmothers and the wise women out there, even on the World Wide Web. When I was at my peak body weight after the dreadful covid years, I felt a torrent of difficult emotions. When things were at my worst, there was one group of people that consistently showed me a refreshing combination of compassion, understanding, and encouragement. Older ladies, wise from their years have a phenomenal capacity and willingness to recognize and uplift the best of what’s inside us. In my experience, I have noticed that when one is putting in the work to build themselves up, their biggest cheerleaders are what I affectionately dub ‘Granny Squad’. From the covid years, to my weight loss journey (where I’ve already lost more than I currently weigh), I have many lovely ladies to thank. Therefore, I think it is appropriate and necessary that I do so here.
I owe much to the women in my life, in more ways than I know. I believe in these times, it is vital to show appreciation for those who have helped us. Things are chaotic and it is very easy to let thanks go by the wayside. We all have our battles and scars, but it can be helpful to think of those who have tended to our wounds either physically or emotionally and watch over us. It certainly feels that modernity makes orphans of us all, and so I think it is vital that we reinforce the women at the forefront of holding what remains of community together, however we can.
During the covid years, I spent a small amount of time attending in-person meet-ups hoping to participate in changing the tide against the disastrous policy decisions made in that time. At those meet-ups you saw a huge variety of people. Young people like me who got canned for refusing an “emergency use” injection, working people fed up with the chaos imposed on their lives, and elders from many walks of life. I quickly noticed, that when it came to actually helping the people suffering, it was almost exclusively the mothers, grandmothers, and older women who were the most constructive. I began to recognize how the simplest acts of kindness during difficult times can be far more impactful long term than collectively fantasizing about radical action that never materializes. During this time, I was morbidly obese, incredibly stressed out, and quite out of my own depth. I needed something to help me focus that frustration productively, that I could actually accomplish.
I turned to writing. Substack was quite popular in the ‘covid dissident’ circles I frequented. I felt that getting into writing would help me organize my thoughts and feelings, as well as help me share what I had already worked to put into practice. In hindsight, this was absolutely my turning point for the better. Many great things came out of that project, but even from the very start I was lucky to receive thoughtful feedback from ‘Granny Squad’. To my surprise, some of the deepest and most constructive feedback I’ve received has not been the technical minds I expected, but from the wise and well-read ladies online. There is of course quite a bit of overlap between those two that is absolutely worth mentioning. It is my belief that due to the hyper-financial nature of the ‘attention economy’ there is a phenomenal amount of under-recognized insight from so many different sources.
What has transformed my outlook the most was beholding how ‘Granny Squad’ is not only emotionally supportive, intellectually deep, but also the lifeblood of any serious activist endeavor. My first-hand experience attending the Freedom Convoy taught me how remarkably effective they can be when cooperation, coordination, and actual work is involved. During the protests, an abundance of delicious pre-prepared sandwiches were prepared to keep the truckers fed. So many in fact, that they were freely distributed to public spectators on the scene. I am aware, that this is merely the tip of a much larger iceberg of work that went into making what was a brutally cold time warming in its own way.
I believe mothers being uniquely invested in the lives of others gives them an unparalleled capacity to understand people on a much deeper level. They’ve seen what hurt us, where we go wrong, and our triumphs. They see the consequences that bring people down, and the work that it takes to just keep things feeling normal. It is this wider context that puts them in a position to appreciate experiences others wouldn’t spend time thinking about. This highlights to me how much online media and activism is primarily ego-driven theater for clicks.
Many of the wise women I’ve learned from during these years are passionate, articulate veterans of many important social movements. Any eager young activist would do well to appreciate the experience, knowledge, and unique perspective brave moms have in any space. All that wisdom is an under-appreciated resource that is only becoming more critical in our troubling times.
I’ve heard mothers called the “CEO of the home” but I think that’s a lazy and unfavorable comparison. A CEO of a corporation gets renown for the accomplishments of others and has a generous ‘golden parachute’ should anything go wrong. A mother is the person who gets the job done when the stakes are real, and the tolerance for catastrophe is zero. Life is often hard, and circumstances can often be ruinous. Mothers are the group you can rely on to consistently overcome in situations others struggle to comprehend, almost by definition.
This immense capacity has helped all of us survive the horrors of history in some form or another. If you wanted to think of a single bottleneck that holds humanity back, it’s likely not our tools, knowledge, or even resources. I would bet on it being the incredible talents of mothers being drained by assaults on the public, or them specifically. The opportunity costs inherent to parenting are extreme, and that impact is guaranteed for better or worse. Community is one of many things that pre-dates the Internet, stock market, or even the industrial revolution. There are so many intangible forms of wealth that haven’t even begun to be truly allowed to flourish.
While I am appreciative to have found helpful male mentorship during these challenging years, I am especially grateful for the cloud of encouragement and compassion that has helped steer my own life in a better direction. Admittedly my biggest fear in my weight loss journey hasn’t been gaining it back, but to have gone through all that I have and learned nothing. To me, the most valuable lesson has been learning the value of genuine care. Appreciation for the kindness that has been so freely and consistently given to me has me reflecting on the nature of nurturing.
People often associate nurturing with ‘babying’ but there’s a lot more to it than that. When it comes to recognizing value in others, mothers have an eye to see what many of us can’t. When you think about it, that makes them apex investors when it comes to our better qualities. They see the potential in us that we often overlook. I strongly believe that so much of what’s still good in our world is due to the relentless work of women in our communities. We should all be grateful that many of these women take the opportunity to encourage and support others everywhere they go. Their talents for bringing out the best of people often shine in places you would not at all expect.This is never more clear to me than at the gym. Way before I really believed I could change, they were quick to point out progress and share encouragement.
When I think of the future, I can see that our destiny is in the hands of those who have the power to build people up. We can all learn a great deal from the mothers, grandmothers, and aunts in our lives. It is clear to me that many of the qualities required to protect and sustain a genuinely human society are exemplified by the women around us. I hope this Mother’s Day I have helped bring some attention to that.
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2026-04-13 20:43:49
It really wasn’t that long ago that I even struggled with walking, but I am thrilled to share that I have gone rollerblading for the first time in a long time. A lot of great things are coming together this Spring and I am eager to make the best of it. Last week I made a new low of just a hair below 289. Lately I’ve been looking back at just how hard-won my newfound mobility is and reflecting on how different it feels to be able to glide again.
In truth, I was very anxious to begin roller-blading. I had become so used to everything being a painful and arduous challenge that I was expecting my first attempt to be a humiliating and frustrating experience. Once I got moving, I experienced the exact opposite. Things felt fluid and fun. In that moment it was so hard to believe that I was doing it. Actually having some momentum was a surreal and liberating experience. Feeling the wind against me as I pushed forward made me feel a concrete sense of accomplishment I truly haven’t allowed myself feel until now. It was very helpful that my twin brother sent me a tutorial video on how to avoid common beginner mistakes. I’ve still got a lot to learn but I’m very happy I’ve been able to skate around without any back pain. Hopefully, the weather will cooperate and I can become quite the skating fanatic.
I’ve been trying to have more egg whites in general, but it’s been boring to only have them scrambled.
Lately I’ve been anxious about still not being very far from 300. To be blunt, I don’t quite yet trust that it’s fully behind me. I recently bought some XL shorts not expecting them to fit and to my surprise they did! Despite the scale going slowly it does seem that I’m progressing reasonably well.
The i2p version of my site is back online, if there are any problems please let me know.
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2026-04-03 21:10:28
Lately I’ve been wrestling with a quite familiar terror brought on by world events. With escalating wars and energy shocks I find myself reminded of the dark days of the covid years. Since then I have learned that the problem isn’t fear in difficult times, but being ruled by it. One of the most frustrating things to see is how during the chaos, people get taken advantage of by opportunists and institutions alike.
To address my emotional eating, I’ve had to take a deep look at what mental and emotional troubles drive me to seek comfort. As I’ve made progress, I’ve had to wrestle with a deeper understanding of my own fear-driven compulsions. On reflection, it is clear to me that these insights have broader applications beyond just health. I hope you appreciate listening to me try to figure this out.
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2026-03-26 22:11:50
Yesterday I hit a new low of 292.6. I am so close to leaving the 290s and entering the 280s. This recent milestone was very hard won. Just as I was feeling my absolute best in body and optimism I hurt my lower back lifting. I’ve had pains and aches before in this process, but nothing before this point interfered with what little basic life capacity I had gained so much. In those moments I felt like I was just as limited as I was at my highest weight. The stiffness and soreness of the lower back caused me more than just hurt, but also absolute despair. I wasn’t at all confident I would recover. I endured a week of pure panic as I worried that I had doomed myself.
The pain itself made any kind of restraint I had when it comes to eating habits completely dissolve. Being in a state where every movement was painful and constrained terrified me on top of the shame of feeling completely out of control. In hindsight, I had so much less to fear than I thought. It was certainly scary to see the scale rise all the way up to 320 after reaching the mid 290s, but I massively underestimated how quickly I could get back on track. After a very difficult week I started to feel well enough that I began to feel in control again. I learned so much about myself throughout this.
Above all, I am very grateful for every small piece of patience I have built up throughout this process. It would seem that giving myself flexibility in the past helped allow me to better recognize the impermanence of bad food choices. In the past I would have been much harder on myself for getting off track at all. What made this different is that I was thankfully able to suspend judgement of myself for bad choices made in extreme conditions. Looking back I can definitely see how much of a real difference that made in helping me recover as I regained control.
During this ordeal, I came across a quite fitting quote: You can have 1000 problems in your life until you have a health problem. Then you only have one. It was equal parts frustrating and terrifying to experience my capacity shrink in such a sudden and extreme way. To compound the misery I developed a cold on top of the back pain which felt like a whole new level of difficulties. In a ironic sense, this was actually an excellent opportunity. I decided that since I was already feeling terrible and miserable that the huge amounts of caffeine I was back to having were not actually able to help me at all. So I chose to take advantage of this already challenging time to quit caffeine ‘cold-turkey’ yet again.
This time around, I actually learned something new about myself: all these years, I have actually just been masking sleep deprivation with caffeine. I vastly underestimated the benefits of sleep during ideal circadian timing. Since I was still able to walk, one of the first things I worked to rebuild as I began to feel better was getting my daily step counts back to over 15K. What I noticed is that the high daily activity and no longer having caffeine in my system made sleeping at proper times much more accessible, even if it is still a daily struggle. Having only improved my sleep moderately for a short period of time, I can say the advantages in terms of alertness and focus are un-paralleled.
Moving forward, I am going to continue to spend effort prioritizing proper sleep. I am hoping it will nicely compliment my ambition to stay highly active, and I think it will be required to continue to make radical progress. The hardest part about it really is having to go without many personal tasks that I would like to accomplish day-to-day. At least for now, I see this as me investing in future capacity and that I just need to be patient with myself as the rewards come in.
As I was beginning to feel better, I had the excellent opportunity to volunteer at a power-lifting meet. To me, it really meant a great deal to be able to be there for the many people from my gym who have been cheering me on in my process. I’m fairly used to seeing people lift heavy weights, but seeing people I knew make world records in their weight class was quite the eye-opener. It was quite a lot of fun to witness and a joy to be a part of. In the short term I’m very hesitant to put a lot of weight on my back, but I can certainly see myself working on my bench press to eventually participate. I can definitely say being more engaged with the community around my gym goes a long way to expand my horizons in helpful ways.
I’ve said before that dieting is just a collection of skills, this recent ordeal has emphasized to me the principal importance of stress management. I am beginning to recognize that the root of my emotional eating patterns is a more broader response to soothing myself with food for a much wider variety of stressors. In reflecting on this I now believe that becoming familiar with a variety of activities is not just useful for neuroplasticity but also to not confine oneself to a single method of soothing. Of course, this area seems to be where prevention is worth a pound of cure. So it is worth doing what can be done to manage internal and external sources of stress.
Unfortunately, it seems to be quite difficult to turn away from well-reinforced methods of soothing and adopt new ones. I’m beginning to recognize how important it is to proactively develop a wider variety of tools for bringing comfort. What seems to help is to embrace a combination of active and passive strategies to account for time and energy limitations. This helps me realize what makes doom-scrolling such a difficult trap, it’s the worst of both passive and active engagement. You’re engaged enough to be drained, but it’s too passive to feel accomplished at all.
Active soothing
Passive soothing
I’d love to hear what really helps keep you fresh!
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2026-03-06 21:17:28
I am feeling refreshed and ready these days, I hope you’ll enjoy this pleasant reflection on my recent thoughts and progress.
I’m beginning to actually feel lighter on my feet. Moving around is feeling not quite effortless, but at least substantially easier. Regular morning walks are doing wonders for my mood and even productivity. It seems that as the snow melts away so too is the fat covering up what I have built over the last while. I am regularly receiving compliments from people at the gym and even being asked for tips!
I feel wholly recharged and ready to take on the ambitious plans I have for this year. I’ve had some real frustrating setbacks recently, but I’m very excited to make the best of the road ahead.
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2026-02-26 22:01:31
I’m happy to share this ‘filler’ update that’s not much more than just a snapshot of what’s on my mind at this stage. I’m thrilled to share that I’ve been averaging over 10k steps a day for the last month. I think the extra movement has done me a great deal of good, and I’m glad to be no longer letting Winter stop me from being outside. I am very grateful for the additional sunshine every day now that Spring feels within reach.
Last time I asked "Can weight loss be FUN?" and had some thoughts on that I wanted to share.
Peace, calm & patience are underrated
It is a genuine shame that for many, a weight loss journey usually begins with a significant amount of pressure. I have noticed that both external and self-inflicted pressure are corrosive to what it really takes to prioritize living a healthy life. I have noticed that stress management is one of the most important fights in the overall process. Urgency, even when well-placed, has to be handled with care.
I am beginning to recognize the benefits of slower approaches and prioritizing presence over performance. So many very important changes are subtle and only noticeable over the long term. No amount of wishing for quick fixes or desperate bursts of unsustainable effort will ever amount to actual change. Real progress only comes from being content with small day-to-day refinements that build up over time.
Ironically, it was really weightlifting that has helped teach me this. It feels like the harder you push in short bursts, the harder the body pushes back. The ‘slow and steady’ approach of building momentum is so much more effective than trying to constantly borrow capacity from the future. Accepting that things take time really does go a long way to refocus on refinement rather than unending reinvention.
Take on parallel adventures
Having spent well over a year losing weight intensely, I can certainly attest that being kind to your mind is a primary objective. Instead of trying to spend every moment ruminating over the weight loss process itself, it is very helpful to enjoy other long-term pursuits. So many of the changes needed to transform the body over time are very applicable to other interesting domains.
For example, I’ve found it enjoyable to learn to cook during this process. It is a great opportunity to build up self-efficacy and is very complimentary skill to dieting. Weight-lifting has been a very enjoyable adventure during this time, and I am looking forward to taking on more active skills. But not all pursuits need to be complimentary with weight loss. I think creative pursuits are definitely worth taking on if for no other reason to be more than a ‘one trick pony’ once the transformation is complete. I feel like I have been missing out for not reading fiction during this time,
Invest in preparation
Anything you can do to save yourself trouble goes quite a long way. Spending the time to plan things out on reasonable timeframes can do a great deal of good. Removing guesswork can definitely reduce background stress and reduce ‘decision fatigue’ day-to-day. A big part of this is ensuring you’re well equipped, having comfortable and reliable gear for activities makes a huge difference. At this stage, I’m really realizing how important it is to try to be proactive rather than reactive.
Make the best of the outdoors
Winter has been a harsh reminder that sunshine isn’t something to be taken for granted. As hard as it’s been I’ve come to realize that wrestling with the cold for some fresh air is absolutely worthwhile. Anything that can be done to enjoy time spent walking is worth it. Most of the time I’m listening to music or podcasts, but bringing someone along is great too. When I was starting out walks felt entirely unbearable, the standing alone would be painful fairly quickly. Now I’m really trying to appreciate the fact that I can choose to slow down and enjoy my walks as I go along.
Hope and optimism
Starting out, it was very difficult for me to believe that change was possible. To the degree I felt it could be done I was terrified it wouldn’t amount to enough. It is genuinely hard to be hopeful and optimistic when the smallest day-to-day challenges feel overwhelming and insurmountable. In getting to where I am now, I can recognize that it is absolutely vital to nurture your ability to feel joy and inspiration. Joining your own team, and building yourself up is the foundation that can make the biggest difference in the face of difficult challenges. Anything you can do to connect with understanding people is worthwhile. Finding people who are supportive and encouraging will absolutely help you learn to be gentler to yourself among other things. There is much to treasure in others, and recognizing it will help you appreciate your own gifts.
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