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A Canadian who is passionate about the free and open web.
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Rebounding from troubles and gaining new ground

2026-03-26 22:11:50

Yesterday I hit a new low of 292.6. I am so close to leaving the 290s and entering the 280s. This recent milestone was very hard won. Just as I was feeling my absolute best in body and optimism I hurt my lower back lifting. I’ve had pains and aches before in this process, but nothing before this point interfered with what little basic life capacity I had gained so much. In those moments I felt like I was just as limited as I was at my highest weight. The stiffness and soreness of the lower back caused me more than just hurt, but also absolute despair. I wasn’t at all confident I would recover. I endured a week of pure panic as I worried that I had doomed myself.

The pain itself made any kind of restraint I had when it comes to eating habits completely dissolve. Being in a state where every movement was painful and constrained terrified me on top of the shame of feeling completely out of control. In hindsight, I had so much less to fear than I thought. It was certainly scary to see the scale rise all the way up to 320 after reaching the mid 290s, but I massively underestimated how quickly I could get back on track. After a very difficult week I started to feel well enough that I began to feel in control again. I learned so much about myself throughout this.

Above all, I am very grateful for every small piece of patience I have built up throughout this process. It would seem that giving myself flexibility in the past helped allow me to better recognize the impermanence of bad food choices. In the past I would have been much harder on myself for getting off track at all. What made this different is that I was thankfully able to suspend judgement of myself for bad choices made in extreme conditions. Looking back I can definitely see how much of a real difference that made in helping me recover as I regained control.

Betting everything on a good night’s sleep

During this ordeal, I came across a quite fitting quote: You can have 1000 problems in your life until you have a health problem. Then you only have one. It was equal parts frustrating and terrifying to experience my capacity shrink in such a sudden and extreme way. To compound the misery I developed a cold on top of the back pain which felt like a whole new level of difficulties. In a ironic sense, this was actually an excellent opportunity. I decided that since I was already feeling terrible and miserable that the huge amounts of caffeine I was back to having were not actually able to help me at all. So I chose to take advantage of this already challenging time to quit caffeine ‘cold-turkey’ yet again.

This time around, I actually learned something new about myself: all these years, I have actually just been masking sleep deprivation with caffeine. I vastly underestimated the benefits of sleep during ideal circadian timing. Since I was still able to walk, one of the first things I worked to rebuild as I began to feel better was getting my daily step counts back to over 15K. What I noticed is that the high daily activity and no longer having caffeine in my system made sleeping at proper times much more accessible, even if it is still a daily struggle. Having only improved my sleep moderately for a short period of time, I can say the advantages in terms of alertness and focus are un-paralleled.

Moving forward, I am going to continue to spend effort prioritizing proper sleep. I am hoping it will nicely compliment my ambition to stay highly active, and I think it will be required to continue to make radical progress. The hardest part about it really is having to go without many personal tasks that I would like to accomplish day-to-day. At least for now, I see this as me investing in future capacity and that I just need to be patient with myself as the rewards come in.

Volunteering at a power-lifting meet

As I was beginning to feel better, I had the excellent opportunity to volunteer at a power-lifting meet. To me, it really meant a great deal to be able to be there for the many people from my gym who have been cheering me on in my process. I’m fairly used to seeing people lift heavy weights, but seeing people I knew make world records in their weight class was quite the eye-opener. It was quite a lot of fun to witness and a joy to be a part of. In the short term I’m very hesitant to put a lot of weight on my back, but I can certainly see myself working on my bench press to eventually participate. I can definitely say being more engaged with the community around my gym goes a long way to expand my horizons in helpful ways.

Reflections on nervous system regulation

I’ve said before that dieting is just a collection of skills, this recent ordeal has emphasized to me the principal importance of stress management. I am beginning to recognize that the root of my emotional eating patterns is a more broader response to soothing myself with food for a much wider variety of stressors. In reflecting on this I now believe that becoming familiar with a variety of activities is not just useful for neuroplasticity but also to not confine oneself to a single method of soothing. Of course, this area seems to be where prevention is worth a pound of cure. So it is worth doing what can be done to manage internal and external sources of stress.

Unfortunately, it seems to be quite difficult to turn away from well-reinforced methods of soothing and adopt new ones. I’m beginning to recognize how important it is to proactively develop a wider variety of tools for bringing comfort. What seems to help is to embrace a combination of active and passive strategies to account for time and energy limitations. This helps me realize what makes doom-scrolling such a difficult trap, it’s the worst of both passive and active engagement. You’re engaged enough to be drained, but it’s too passive to feel accomplished at all.

Active soothing

  • Exercise & movement
  • Creative pursuits (Writing, programming, arts)
  • Reading
  • Puzzles
  • Competitive gaming
  • Cleaning, collecting, and organization
  • Prayer & breath-work

Passive soothing

  • Sleep/naps
  • Low-stakes gaming
  • Podcasts, Music, shows & movies
  • Connection with others

I’d love to hear what really helps keep you fresh!

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Walk with me: Every step counts

2026-03-06 21:17:28

I am feeling refreshed and ready these days, I hope you’ll enjoy this pleasant reflection on my recent thoughts and progress.

Recent victories

  • New low: 295.2, which puts me at 280lbs lost!
  • New Bench Press personal record: 177lbs for 8 reps
  • Step count: Averaged over 12k steps per day over the last month!

Feeling overall better

I’m beginning to actually feel lighter on my feet. Moving around is feeling not quite effortless, but at least substantially easier. Regular morning walks are doing wonders for my mood and even productivity. It seems that as the snow melts away so too is the fat covering up what I have built over the last while. I am regularly receiving compliments from people at the gym and even being asked for tips!

I feel wholly recharged and ready to take on the ambitious plans I have for this year. I’ve had some real frustrating setbacks recently, but I’m very excited to make the best of the road ahead.

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Walk with me: Choosing what to carry

2026-02-26 22:01:31

I’m happy to share this ‘filler’ update that’s not much more than just a snapshot of what’s on my mind at this stage. I’m thrilled to share that I’ve been averaging over 10k steps a day for the last month. I think the extra movement has done me a great deal of good, and I’m glad to be no longer letting Winter stop me from being outside. I am very grateful for the additional sunshine every day now that Spring feels within reach.

Thoughts on ways to enjoy weight loss

Last time I asked "Can weight loss be FUN?" and had some thoughts on that I wanted to share.

  • Peace, calm & patience are underrated

    It is a genuine shame that for many, a weight loss journey usually begins with a significant amount of pressure. I have noticed that both external and self-inflicted pressure are corrosive to what it really takes to prioritize living a healthy life. I have noticed that stress management is one of the most important fights in the overall process. Urgency, even when well-placed, has to be handled with care.

    I am beginning to recognize the benefits of slower approaches and prioritizing presence over performance. So many very important changes are subtle and only noticeable over the long term. No amount of wishing for quick fixes or desperate bursts of unsustainable effort will ever amount to actual change. Real progress only comes from being content with small day-to-day refinements that build up over time.

    Ironically, it was really weightlifting that has helped teach me this. It feels like the harder you push in short bursts, the harder the body pushes back. The ‘slow and steady’ approach of building momentum is so much more effective than trying to constantly borrow capacity from the future. Accepting that things take time really does go a long way to refocus on refinement rather than unending reinvention.

  • Take on parallel adventures

    Having spent well over a year losing weight intensely, I can certainly attest that being kind to your mind is a primary objective. Instead of trying to spend every moment ruminating over the weight loss process itself, it is very helpful to enjoy other long-term pursuits. So many of the changes needed to transform the body over time are very applicable to other interesting domains.

    For example, I’ve found it enjoyable to learn to cook during this process. It is a great opportunity to build up self-efficacy and is very complimentary skill to dieting. Weight-lifting has been a very enjoyable adventure during this time, and I am looking forward to taking on more active skills. But not all pursuits need to be complimentary with weight loss. I think creative pursuits are definitely worth taking on if for no other reason to be more than a ‘one trick pony’ once the transformation is complete. I feel like I have been missing out for not reading fiction during this time,

  • Invest in preparation

    Anything you can do to save yourself trouble goes quite a long way. Spending the time to plan things out on reasonable timeframes can do a great deal of good. Removing guesswork can definitely reduce background stress and reduce ‘decision fatigue’ day-to-day. A big part of this is ensuring you’re well equipped, having comfortable and reliable gear for activities makes a huge difference. At this stage, I’m really realizing how important it is to try to be proactive rather than reactive.

  • Make the best of the outdoors

    Winter has been a harsh reminder that sunshine isn’t something to be taken for granted. As hard as it’s been I’ve come to realize that wrestling with the cold for some fresh air is absolutely worthwhile. Anything that can be done to enjoy time spent walking is worth it. Most of the time I’m listening to music or podcasts, but bringing someone along is great too. When I was starting out walks felt entirely unbearable, the standing alone would be painful fairly quickly. Now I’m really trying to appreciate the fact that I can choose to slow down and enjoy my walks as I go along.

  • Hope and optimism

    Starting out, it was very difficult for me to believe that change was possible. To the degree I felt it could be done I was terrified it wouldn’t amount to enough. It is genuinely hard to be hopeful and optimistic when the smallest day-to-day challenges feel overwhelming and insurmountable. In getting to where I am now, I can recognize that it is absolutely vital to nurture your ability to feel joy and inspiration. Joining your own team, and building yourself up is the foundation that can make the biggest difference in the face of difficult challenges. Anything you can do to connect with understanding people is worthwhile. Finding people who are supportive and encouraging will absolutely help you learn to be gentler to yourself among other things. There is much to treasure in others, and recognizing it will help you appreciate your own gifts.

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Reflection: Can weight loss be FUN?

2026-02-13 20:41:31

It has been quite a struggle to share some thoughts lately. I am realizing just how important these reflections have been to my overall process, so I am very glad to share this update, despite not having much progress to show for it. Despite recently breaking below 300lbs, I am currently hovering just above that as I’m trying reorient myself to push hard. I hope you’ll enjoy this off-the-cuff monologue of my latest reflections on how I want to make the best of the road ahead.

Recent non-scale victories

Appreciating the person I see in the mirror

Despite being very far from done, I am noticing significant changes in my self-image. Very slowly I began to notice I was reflexively avoiding my reflection less and less lately. This recently culminated in actually smiling back at myself for a brief moment. I don’t have a whole lot to say about this beyond the fact that this is a notable event that I want to capture and appreciate.

Meal-prep

Getting back into meal-prepping has been a bit of a challenge. I’ve vastly underestimated the benefits of having pre-prepared meals when things are difficult. I am very glad to have at least made the next week significantly easier and I am definitely motivated to keep this up moving forward.

Trying to imagine dieting happy

Given that getting to where I want to be is going to require a great deal of time and effort for quite a while, I feel that I need to learn to truly enjoy the process. Up until this point I can admit that the vast majority of the enjoyment I’ve gotten from this process have been just about the numbers in my spreadsheet. The problem with this is that it’s ultimately results-driven rather than process driven. I recognize that so many aspects of building a healthier life can be quite fun. Cooking, going for walks, lifting weights, being around people, and so many of the things I’m doing in this process are fun on their own, so why not in totality? I guess that a big part of the problem is pressure. I want to be driven and motivated by the idea of becoming more capable and taking better care of myself rather than a shame spiral over my limitations.

What I’m trying to reorient in my mind is to reframe my conception of this process as a joyful adventure rather than a grueling gauntlet I need to merely survive. I think a way to do this is to double-down on this as a learning process. I’m beginning to realize that a truly growth-oriented mindset is a lot more than just understanding change is possible. It would seem that patience and compassion are foundational to it. I have been really reflecting on how to disconnect the idea of high standards from harshness and impatience. How do I push myself to reach greater heights out of love rather than fear? One largely-untapped resource of joy available to me in this process has been the absolute bounty of encouragement I regularly receive. I still recognize the all-too-familiar numbness preventing me from truly appreciating the kindness I’ve received up to this point. Being open to really focus on those moments and cherish them for what they are is a clear opportunity to derive more joy from this process.

On a more foundational level, I’m recognizing that I need to figure out how to derive joy from doing the things necessary to live a healthy life. The more I think of it, the more it seems to be less of a mystery and more a process of decoupling the goals and strategies from cruel judgement. It feels so natural to believe “I must do this because I am terrible” rather than “I care enough to work on this problem”. I now believe that the problem isn’t actually a lack of intrinsic motivation, but rather a focus on negative intrinsic motivators over positive ones. Reorienting this seems to be very difficult problem. Internal and external pressures seem to be what fuels the harshness, and addressing those can be very complex. So for the rest of this year I have a real question to answer: how can someone enjoy the process of building health despite the pressures and difficulty? I certainly don’t have much of one now, but I am excited to work on that problem.

Mini-rant: Lifestyle carpentry

An axe I have to grind is that people very often want to tell others to “just do X” to resolve various problems. I had a conversation with Samuel about how telling someone to “just install Linux” isn’t exactly a silver-bullet. I wholeheartedly believe that much of this is well-intentioned and is actually people trying to help, but in practice it’s rarely what brings change. Everyone has particular circumstances and capacity to take on particular changes. In my mind, I now think of the process of changing lifestyle and mindsets as very similar to the game of carpenty in Puzzle Pirates but Tetris is also a good metaphor. In both games time passes and mistakes compound. Ultimately the objective is to fit a piece within a space that it may or may not perfectly fit inside. With careful planning and diligent work, it is certainly possible to make the best of any particular piece. That is not the same as saying all pieces are equally useful at all times in the game.

For me, I am realizing that my negative habits relating to sleep are ‘costing me’ a significant amount of space that I need to really focus on resolving them to fit better habits. For example it’s very difficult to go on a morning walk when being reliably awake in the morning is a challenge on its own, and has knock on effects on other things. As such I now see the process of changing habits as a ’trade’ where you try to move time and effort from one domain into another. Naturally some trades are profitable than others in particular situations. The real challenge seems to be about recognizing the opportunities in high value trades.

Interesting find

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Major Milestone: Below 300 / Over 275lbs down!

2026-01-29 06:45:50

I hope you’ll enjoy this attempt at a walking monologue in video. Running with the theme of pushing my comfort zone this was a particularly challenging thing to take on. I’ve actually attempted to record many walking monologues lately, which have sadly been kept for my own archives. In many ways I’ve been treating this milestone as a deadline to force myself to get over the self-censorship of perfectionism. As usual, the written portion here is a semi-overlapping blog post.

This milestone has been a long time coming. I can genuinely say that when I started this journey I had zero confidence I would even get this far. I’m finally at the point where I can say I’m quite confident that I haven’t been this weight in almost a decade. I’ve learned so much in this arduous process of reversing course, and there have been many ups and downs. what makes reaching this point most significant is that I’ve begun to notice “good problems to have”. Instead of everyday life itself being a challenge, I have to seek out new challenges to continue improving myself and testing my limits.

As of my latest low of 299.4 the other day, I’ve lost just over 276 pounds from my highest recorded weight in September of 2024. It is a genuinely surreal feeling and I find myself asking “where did it all go?” During my lifts I can see my extra skin hanging off of me and I can even feel my collar bone and calves now. Paradoxically I’m not quite used to feeling like myself again despite spending so much time at this size. I think it’s because in part I have never been as strong as I am now. Getting stronger has been a lot of fun, my latest big milestone is being able to overhead press 135lbs for 6 reps. At the gym I’m told that it’s quite an impressive feat!

The good and the bad

Over the turn of the year, I’ve been definitely having some struggles. A mix of burnout, a personal crisis, and pressure made the last few months a very challenging ordeal. I am very happy to share that I’ve held on and I’m doing quite better. A great deal of this is due to the kindness and support I got from so many different places. I reached out to the people I know in real life and got many great suggestions. My trainer pushed me to get out of my comfort zone and reacclimate myself with what physical limits I still have, a great coach at the gym suggested that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself for not ‘feeling into it’ and endure until I feel recharged again. One of my new gym friends suggested that limiting my food choices too much wasn’t helping at all. With a combination of this, and a desire to shake things up in the new year I decided I needed to focus on an “easy wins” protocol, where I identify ’low-hanging fruit’ that helps keep me moving forward.

The first one was to commit to taking creatine regularly. It’s not a supplement you can expect anything out of taking once so I decided to really focus on ensuring I wasn’t slacking in that department. I certainly can’t report any world-changing effects, but I do think it’s made a small difference. The next ’easy win’ was to stop taking the bus for my daily commutes nearby (mostly to avoid the cold) and to push myself to get back into walking again. This was certainly quite difficult but absolutely had the best ROI. I am no longer paying to be less active which is certainly a bad deal in my circumstances. That said, I really do recognize that this has increased the challenge of each day during this time. As such the next “easy win” was to focus on active recovery and really spend effort taking time to relax. In the past I’ve noticed that spending time away from the pool usually makes things harder, so I’m guessing that physical and mental break goes a long way to help me recharge. Since I’m focused on putting effort into relaxation and I have access to a sauna at the gym, I figured the next ’easy win’ was to focus on actually making use of it regularly. I think focusing on these small ’easy wins’ has been a great way to keep me focused while my passion and motivation recharges. I’m certainly not done with them, my next major focus is getting back into the habit of ‘meal-prepping’ for myself because I find it makes such a huge difference. I’ve been relying a bit too much on ready-to-go greek yogurt lately. Having meals ready really goes a long way to reduce the ‘cognitive load’ of trying to eat right which is something I definitely still struggle with when stress and pressure get to me.

I’m very glad I was able to share that I was struggling in my last recording. It’s not at all an easy thing to do but I got a great deal of encouragement and support from my regular listeners. I am constantly surprised at how many ‘internet strangers’ are willing to take the time to share thoughts and kind words. In a time where governments and corporations are working to seize control over online communications, it is a genuine joy to see that the free and open web can still be a warm and thoughtful place. Ironically, this has been contrasted with some of my negative experiences of getting back on mainstream social media. I am quite shocked how efficient the ‘doom-scrolling’ algorithms are at precisely pinpointing emotional buttons to press. I realize I have been spoiled by the open web and decentralized social media for the meaningful depth to be found in conscious and deliberate engagement. I’m definitely going to have more to say about this in the near future.

Looking at health in a different light

In becoming comfortable at my current size, I realized I needed a deeper reason to carry on this mission further. I am no longer working to reverse the damage sustained during the covid years, and I am no longer a prisoner in my own body. “Scale go down” has been a strong motivator for me thus far but there is definitely going to be a point where that’s no longer a good thing, even if I am in no immediate danger of reaching that point. I’m recognizing that I have certainly built up skills, habits, and systems that will help me move forwards, but I’m also recognizing old patterns coming back with a vengeance. It has never been more clear to me that becoming a radically different person requires a forceful rejection of those ‘old ways’. The effort of consciously interrupting the feedback loops behind them seems to require focus and will that has to come from somewhere… or at least to me.

It feels genuinely deranged to admit that while I’ve been on a ‘health’ journey for many years now, I’m only now beginning to truly rebuild understanding of health. Sure I’ve learned a great deal about mental and physical health in this time, but ultimately much of that was more instrumental rather than fundamental. I recognized that my efforts to lose weight were not ultimately tied to anything particularly deep. Once the ball actually got rolling it happened so fast I didn’t really wrestle with the meaning behind much of it at all. This all likely sounds like terrible navel-gazing, but it’s crucial to understanding where I’ve gone wrong in the past and what I want to do about it moving forward.

Ultimately, my biggest problem was that I treated my own health as expendable. In early adulthood the pressure to secure independence and space I was perfectly willing to ‘cash in’ on health if it meant making getting through the day easier. Effectively I was just digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. This was part a particularly nasty feedback loop of extra weight causing discomfort and then using self-destructive means to ease that discomfort. I’ve come to realize that not only that not caring about health caused my problem, but that even getting this far wasn’t enough to really start caring. In a small way I guess I had just hoped the “sunk cost fallacy” would be enough to get me to care. Thinking “I’ve done all this, of course I’m going to keep myself in shape”, but I’ve come to realize it takes more to that.

A small metaphor: Finance

To better explain how I see the problem, I’ll try to draw a parallel from health to financial life. There are generally two paths that people recognize in financial living: 1) “Net worth maximization” is the path people intuitively understand as responsible financial management. You spend less than you earn, build up savings, invest over time and build wealth along your life. 2) “Credit maximization” where you earn to borrow. In this path you’ll use up all the credit you have access to until you’re eventually stopped by interest rates or insufficient income and you go bankrupt. I recognize that in reality both of these ‘paths’ are far more complex than I’ve summarized here, but this is the basic concept.

I now recognize that I need to see health less about simple “good vs bad” decisions, but more in terms of managing a growing portfolio. A (good) financial planner will recognize that everyone has unique circumstances, goals, and challenges. That planner is tasked with making the best use of the assets available to grow the portfolio over time. It is intuitively obvious that a ‘health portfolio’ includes a lot more than simply not just being over 500lbs anymore. With this understanding I can better recognize the value of varied health ‘assets’ like V02 max, strength, mobility and even the quirky things people bring up that I still don’t quite understand.

With this in mind, I’m now reinvigorated to learn even more about these things not just to ‘maximize my health portfolio’ but also so that I can have a deeper understanding of how bigger issues relate to the little ones. It’s no secret that I have a very inter-connected view of health and freedom, so I’m very much looking forward to having more to share as I continue to learn and put things to the test. It is a huge relief to have this heading and feel like I actually can “care about health” in a way I have never truly contemplated before. It is equal parts daunting and thrilling, but I appreciate having you here for the ride.

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Walk with me: Regaining Focus

2026-01-12 01:57:21

For the last few weeks I’ve been floundering in a couple of ways. Most notably my progress has stalled and I’ve been feeling a great deal of pressure to identify why. What began as a vague sensation of feeling like there’s “nothing in the tank” has expanded into a wider torrent of difficulties. At the most basic level, over the holiday season I introduced more flexibility, and it has been much harder to ‘get back on the saddle’ this time around. I’m realizing that this ‘plateau’ is in some ways driven by familiar pressures driving all too familiar behavior. In being ‘out in the world’ regularly, I am feeling an overwhelming urge to hide from it yet again. Despite everything, I still don’t have enough gratitude for getting to this point, and for the opportunity that this represents for me.

Being comfortable at my current size makes it genuinely hard to appreciate any benefits to reaching a healthy body weight. Intellectually I can comprehend that I’m carrying an extra 100lbs of weight, but on an emotional level it doesn’t register. Logically, I want to reach lower and continue to progress, but I notice that day-to-day I struggle to properly prioritize what it would take to advance. Some of this is the fact that the game has changed in many ways. I am no longer in a situation where losing weight is my only responsibility. Taking on more has been gratifying, but it has also introduced challenges that I haven’t fully handled.

On some level, sharing this is comforting because admitting I have stalled and failed to keep momentum at least puts me in a position to analyze why. I think much of my recent troubles has been out of a panicked denial to reach for a “quick-fix” rather than to slow down and ask myself “what’s happening?”. It is profoundly difficult to say that at the moment, I feel entirely powerless again. I see the challenge before me as too difficult and myself as too weak and incapable to fix it. Ironically enough, this is very similar to how I felt starting this journey. What’s different this time is that I am no longer as desperate for change (even if I should be…) and I have less time, focus, and resources to devote to this.

I know it’s certainly possible to change, and that doing so is going to be worthwhile. I am mired in a haze of confusion as I struggle to remind myself why I’m doing this. I wonder if it is because so much has changed over the last year I am being forced to reassess particular assumptions made along the way. I am beginning to recognize that despite all this I still don’t actually care that much about my own health. Taking the time to prioritize continuing to address my weight feels vain, selfish, and more hassle than it’s worth. I realize that this error is the cause of many of my problems, yet It seems stubbornly difficult to shake. The dark side of this is that because continuing is going to take more effort, I feel it is hard to justify the investment in myself. After all this change, I still struggle to see myself as worthwhile. I didn’t realize just how much making progress means that old wounds feel fresh all over again.

Ongoing issues

  1. Winter is the worst

    The cold has certainly won out over what remained of my willpower. Retreating mostly indoors has certainly not helped my mood and motivation. I’m already tired of the wet and the chilly winds. I miss walking more, and these updates have definitely suffered a bit due to that alone. I realized while doing this recording that not having this time to self-reflect out loud has absolutely not done me any favors. It would seem that overcoming my funk is absolutely going to have to involve being more willing to brave the rest of the Winter season.

  2. Intense pain

    A recent injury has my back feeling quite sore. It feels like a knife in my back. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. My lifts and ability to function have certainly been impacted. This has been the hardest thing to bear lately. The pain from this is too difficult to ignore and is a constant frustration. Something as simple as looking to the side will aggravate it, and it has lingered for a frustrating amount of time. Despite being a week already, it feels like there is no end in sight.

  3. Pressure & feelings

    I’ve been struggling with pressure from being stalled. What little patience I may have developed during this journey feels all used up. I’m folding under it to the point of misery. It is clear to me that I really need to chill out, but the feeling of letting myself down makes that very difficult. The frustration with it all is making it hard to make clear-headed decisions.

  4. Sleep and energy

    One of the more clear signs that I need to calm down is that reasonable sleep completely evades me. These days I’m feeling more lethargic, but I’m wondering how much of that is hydration being an issue.

Down but not out!

As melancholic as this reads, the dread is being reasonably restrained. Despite all this I have many reasons to be thankful and optimistic. If nothing else, my situation is a great deal more ‘salvageable’ than before. I’ve learned a great deal that is going to help me, it’s just a matter of realigning my mindset with the process. To me, my current problem mostly seems to be about reigniting my passion to launch myself into it fully, rather than just coasting on past progress. It’s going to take me a great deal to do this ‘mental reset’, but I know it’s a matter of time and effort. I think if I refocus on caring for myself instead of applying pressure things can improve quite a bit.

As bad as it is, I’m still holding on. I am holding on to hope that I will figure this out and that I will begin steadily improving again. The good part of all this is that while I may be having trouble, I still haven’t really “gone completely off the rails” Maybe it’s cope but I’m feeling good about the fact that my eating habits are still wildly better than before given the circumstances. A lot of the work that went in to building up better capabilities and routines is certainly paying dividends. If nothing else I am comforted by the fact that no matter how rough this all is, I am not starting from scratch.

I am looking forward to feeling better, stronger, and more capable again.

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